When he wants to sleep with mommy.

At two and a half he is not as little as he once was, but sometimes it still happens. Sometimes as I walk with him to his bed his big eyes look up at me. "Mommy? I don't wanna 'leep in baby bed." he cries out."I know buddy, but it's nap time and you're tired. I promise you will feel better after your nap". I try to explain"No, Baby 'leep, mommy 'leep, mommy bed. Oh-tay?" he corrects me.This doesn't happen often, usually he just tries to avoid going to sleep at all costs like most toddlers would. Usually he likes his bed, it has his pillow with his special pile of 4 or more blankets, a sleep sheep that hangs above his head (he loves to listen to the rain), and his doll but sometimes... Sometimes all he wants is me.I pick him up and cradle him in my arms, he doesn't fit like he use to, but he loves it still. He smiles at me as I carry him into my room. I drop him and myself soundly onto the the bed and he lets out an excited squeal. In a rush he crawls around in circles like a dog trying to find a comfortable place to lay down. I pull the blankets over his tender body and slide in next to him. At first he is so excited for this time he wants to talk to me about everything. How daddy is at work and sister is at school, how he was riding his bike today, and that mommy took a shower. That the dogs came into the room and there is a light on the ceiling. While enjoying his free spirit I remind him to calm down. He rolls away from me and pulls the blanket over his head "Baby hide" he tells me, I can hear him taking deep breaths, and he hugs my heavy arm closer to him. As we lay there my mind drifts, I start thinking about what workout routine I'm going to to do, how much water I drank so far today, Should I go for a bike ride later? I hate how my body looks.Then he pulls the blanket down and turns to me. "thank you mommy""Thank you for what?" I say bewildered"Thank you mommy bed, mommy 'leep" he responds. He closes his eyes tight and pillows his head against my swollen breast. His breathing begins to match mine as his head raises and lowers with my breath. He strokes my round face, says he loves me and gives me the tightest squeeze his little arm can give. This is important to him, and important to me as well. As he begins to drift to Slumberland, his hand caresses my soft belly, I am reminded that choosing to be a mom changes what perfection looks like. My body is perfect for times like this. The times when he wants to sleep with mommy.

Peaceful sleep training

When people hear the term “Sleep Training” they immediately think Cry It Out (CIO). If you don’t want to do the CIO method people make it sound like the only other choice is co-sleeping.

A lot of people hate the idea of CIO and rightfully so. Who wants to listen to a defenseless child cry out desperately for them, and do nothing about it? It is a horrible feeling listening to you child cry. With the CIO method you have to wait a certain amount of time before you can  rescue your baby. This can leave the parent quietly sobbing with their back against the wall. But if you’re the type of person who just can’t sleep with a child in your bed you may feel like this is your only choice. How many times have you been told that your baby NEEDS to learn how to self sooth? When your baby cries because they got scared don’t you sooth him/her? For a long time your child’s main source of communication is crying. When your child cries they are asking for something. Just because they are fed and have a clean diaper does not mean all their needs are met. During the day your child crawls into your lap and clings to your shirt when they need attention. They tighten their grip when strangers come near. Your child depends on you for comfort and safety. The same is true for night time.

Co-sleeping sounds like a great idea, unless you, your spouse, and your child are all light sleepers. Right before baby falls asleep he/she thrashes around, crying, comes over for cuddles only to roll away in a fit then roll back and nurse. Once asleep baby rolls around slapping you in the face while kicking your spouse. Then when you roll over to get back to sleep you end up waking your little one again. So at least in my experience this causes parents and baby to get a very restless sleep. There are a lot less tears and more heartwarming comfort, but there are also a lot less Zzzzzz’s for everyone involved which leaves everyone a whole lot more cranky.

So how are you suppose to be well rested and emotionally supportive of your child when bed time comes around? Well that really depends on you, the parent, and your child. Some people might be lucky and have been able to put their little one down in the crib and within seconds he/she is asleep. Some might be able to share the bed and everyone sleeps soundly and heavily all night long. Chances are you are somewhere in the middle and need to figure out what works for you. Keep in mind what works today might not work in the future. This is true with any sleeping method.

Here is what worked for us: My son sleeps for 10 hours straight in his crib without making a peep, and will only sleep 2 1/2 hours at a time while in bed with me. At first when he was moved into his own room at 5 months old, all he needed was a mobile over his head that he would hum and moan at it until he fell asleep. As he got older and more capable of playing, he wouldn’t want all the fun of the day to end, so we would have get him to relax enough that he could sleep. To do this we would sing him a song while rocking him. Then around 8 months he became a very light sleeper and as soon as you moved him he would wake up. We needed to get him to relax without having to move him afterwards, so we started to sing to him and rub his back while he was in his crib. I like to make sure to leave before he was fully asleep. This last routine actually worked for a long time. Now he is 14 months and struggling with separation anxiety, and as silly as this might sound I spend around 15 minutes every night standing either in the middle of his room or outside his door saying “shhh” in a soft tone every time he makes a noise. All he wants is to know: no matter what, I am here for him.

So don’t be afraid to find what works for you, and your baby. Babies are not computers that can simply be programmed with the most recent parenting book. They all have different needs and as the parents it is our job to know our child best and to take care of those needs. Listen to your heart. 

What are hands for?

I have been doing a lot of thinking about discipline. I was spanked as a child, in fact I was spanked in high school. I don't think I had one friend growing up who wasn't spanked. It wasn't uncommon for someone who wasn't my parent to spank me. Grandparents, uncles, aunts, babysitters, even friends of my parents all had the right to turn me over their knee and go to town on my little behind. I was not allowed to complain and had no right to try and protect myself. I "brought this upon myself". I will even admit that I spanked my daughter, I acted like it was the only thing that was going to make sure she turned out okay.

Today I feel awful that I never questioned any of this earlier. When was the last time you saw an adult get physically disciplined for doing something wrong? It isn't okay for a boss to spank their employee who accidentally shredded a really important document. It isn't okay for a spouse to be spanked because he forgot to take out the trash, unless both parties consent and it is for fun in the bedroom ;). So why is okay to do this to an innocent child?

I have heard some say that you can't reason with children like you can adults. I know that was one of my excuses, but that is exactly what it was an excuse. There are other options, ones that don't involve hurting your child. We are the parents, don't we want our children to do good because they are good? Teach them the reasons behind your rules "If you compliment Sally, it makes her feel happy, if you say mean things about Sally it makes her sad".

I am ashamed to admit that it wasn't until right before my daughter started kindergarten I started to look at ways to avoid spanking and it was difficult at first. Teaching your child is a lot more difficult then making them afraid of you. I also noticed I was a very angry person who used my child as a way to unload some of that anger. I was never an abusive parent by any means, I did spend a great deal of time yelling/lecturing and spanking however.

As I removed spanking from my mommy tool belt I slowly saw my child open up to me. Staring at this little girl I realized I had no idea who she was. She was eager to learn, quirky, caring, extremely social, and the world was so vibrant through her eyes. I had spent so much time trying to make her into a little me, and got so mad when she failed, I had missed out on meeting her. In some ways she is like me, in some ways like her dad, and in some ways she is like no one I have ever met, but overall she is more amazing then I could have ever dreamed.

It has been a few years now and she still surprises me. I try and spend most of my time teaching her to be the best her she can be and in order to do that I spend a lot of time letting her and I discover just who that is. I plan on doing the same with my son as the years go by.

So what are hands for? In my house the rule is Hands are for Hugs, holding, and helping, not for hurting.