What are hands for?

I have been doing a lot of thinking about discipline. I was spanked as a child, in fact I was spanked in high school. I don't think I had one friend growing up who wasn't spanked. It wasn't uncommon for someone who wasn't my parent to spank me. Grandparents, uncles, aunts, babysitters, even friends of my parents all had the right to turn me over their knee and go to town on my little behind. I was not allowed to complain and had no right to try and protect myself. I "brought this upon myself". I will even admit that I spanked my daughter, I acted like it was the only thing that was going to make sure she turned out okay.

Today I feel awful that I never questioned any of this earlier. When was the last time you saw an adult get physically disciplined for doing something wrong? It isn't okay for a boss to spank their employee who accidentally shredded a really important document. It isn't okay for a spouse to be spanked because he forgot to take out the trash, unless both parties consent and it is for fun in the bedroom ;). So why is okay to do this to an innocent child?

I have heard some say that you can't reason with children like you can adults. I know that was one of my excuses, but that is exactly what it was an excuse. There are other options, ones that don't involve hurting your child. We are the parents, don't we want our children to do good because they are good? Teach them the reasons behind your rules "If you compliment Sally, it makes her feel happy, if you say mean things about Sally it makes her sad".

I am ashamed to admit that it wasn't until right before my daughter started kindergarten I started to look at ways to avoid spanking and it was difficult at first. Teaching your child is a lot more difficult then making them afraid of you. I also noticed I was a very angry person who used my child as a way to unload some of that anger. I was never an abusive parent by any means, I did spend a great deal of time yelling/lecturing and spanking however.

As I removed spanking from my mommy tool belt I slowly saw my child open up to me. Staring at this little girl I realized I had no idea who she was. She was eager to learn, quirky, caring, extremely social, and the world was so vibrant through her eyes. I had spent so much time trying to make her into a little me, and got so mad when she failed, I had missed out on meeting her. In some ways she is like me, in some ways like her dad, and in some ways she is like no one I have ever met, but overall she is more amazing then I could have ever dreamed.

It has been a few years now and she still surprises me. I try and spend most of my time teaching her to be the best her she can be and in order to do that I spend a lot of time letting her and I discover just who that is. I plan on doing the same with my son as the years go by.

So what are hands for? In my house the rule is Hands are for Hugs, holding, and helping, not for hurting.